Unlucky..or..

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Unlucky or….

So looking at the conundrum that is my life, I’m alive and will be 62 next month, I’ve been to 23 countries, I’ve lived in the beautiful state of Colorado for eleven years and Florida for two years. I’ve been to 23 of the 50 states including Hawaii. I’ve been to Canada, Mexico, Germany, France, Holland, Belgium, Cyprus, Bulgaria, Morocco, Egypt, Tunisia, India, Hong Kong, Australia. I’ve done nearly a thousand skydives, I was a Hang glider, mountain biker, scuba diver, rock climber and I can fly a plane. I’ve had great jobs in I.T. sales and had a great salary, I was the client service director for the then world leading authority in biological dentistry, I personally helped many thousands of people which I have to say was more rewarding than anything I’ve done or places I’ve been.

But  13 years ago I was diagnosed with a rather hideous disease, multiple sclerosis is considered to be an incurable disease. It’s made my life miserable, I’m in pain 24/7, I cannot walk unaided, my strength which I used to be very proud of is now pathetic, I could be beaten in an arm wrestle by a 10 year old girl. The fall I had Monday evening was a doozy, I’m amazed I didn’t do some serious damage to my head, on saying that, the wall has a big dent in it and the radiator in the hall is hanging off.

So going from a successful career, a very physical and well travelled life to a ridiculously weak disabled ghost of who I was, am I unlucky…. no I consider myself to be extremely lucky to have done what I have, if my life as I knew it was over and now just a memory, I’d have no real regrets, I’ve been there, done that and have the T shirt and video,

Unlucky… not at all, but lucky… absolutely yes.

Dimensions…

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Dimensions.

I honestly believe that there is more than just here and now, as I was saying in my previous post, 99% of people simply believe what they can see and touch or it cannot possibly be real, can it?

Well it’s just taken for granted that the air we breathe is just air, it just is!!! air isn’t just air, it’s a combination of nitrogen at 79% and oxygen at 21%, it can’t be seen in its natural unadulterated form, we, as in all human, animal and insect life need it to live.

Electricity in one form or another is created by all three previously mentioned, but what actually is it, it’s a form of energy as are we all, everything is energy vibrating at different levels and as far as I’m aware it’s not visible in its purest form.

Then we come to dimensions, at this time in man’s existence it’s limited to what we can see now as in 3 dimensional, thats on three different planes, left to right, up and down, forward and backward, but I’m one of those people that believe in the fourth dimension.

The fourth dimension is an infinite number of 3-dimensional worlds stacked together.

It makes sense when you realize that, at each moment, a completely different world exists. We are simply moving along the fourth dimension.

It has to be, it’s just not proven yet, it’s only theory but I’m sure millions of people experience it but can’t really comprehend exactly what they’ve seen so just dismiss it.

So much of life today is unexplainable, ghosts, dreams, disease and spontaneous recovery and millions of other things that in my head are part of the fourth dimension.

Perspective..

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Perspective.

The way we look at things can make what we’re looking at completely different, if for instance you are looking at a bare electrical cable with 240 volts running through it, it looks and is very dangerous. If however the cable was attached to your fridge it would be good, it’s keeping your foods chilled. If it was attached to a 3 bar electric fire it would also be good, keeping you warm and toasty on a cold day. So the electric cable isn’t necessarily good or bad, it’s just doing what it was meant to do and that’s provide electrical power. By the way, what is electricity, can you see it….. no, can you touch or actually feel it, no not without hurting yourself. Do you genuinely understand what it is, probably not, but it exists regardless of if you know specifically what it is. My point is just because you don’t truly know what it is or understand how it does what it’s supposed to do doesn’t mean it’s not real. Can you see the air you breathe, no, but without the thing you can’t see, you can only live for three or possibly four minutes.

A car can travel along a road carrying a person or people, so a car is great, right, what if a car hit a person on the road, the car is now not good, it’s bad isn’t it.

If whatever is doing it’s job and it’s doing it efficiently and effectively it’s got to be good, but from whos perspective?.

There is something that mankind has called multiple sclerosis, and mankind has called it a disease, an incurable disease. What is it? is it a transparent globular thing that’s wrapped itself around me…..no it’s not. Has it been seen or specifically identified, no.. so what is it, is it a thing, can it be taken away or scraped off? again no. A doctor can’t look at me or in me and remove what they’ve called multiple sclerosis, there’s not a specific cell or microbe or molecule that can be named multiple sclerosis.

Going back to the electrical cable or the car or a scalpel or whatever, it depends on your perspective, if you are on the wrong end or the bad side then those things are bad, but from their perspective they are good, they are doing what they were designed to do. Multiple sclerosis is designed to make a human’s life miserable so in my case it’s doing a great job, yay, ms, you’ve been doing your job, what you were designed to do really well. But I’m asking you very politely to go away, leave my body, you’ve done a great job from your perspective for a very long time, be satisfied, now please, please go away.

Because…

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Because…

Ok let’s be serious and honest with myself, I was diagnosed with this hideous disease in February of 2004, the neurologist, a very straight talking, shoot from the hip New Yorker basically told me that there was nothing I could do in the way of preventing the disease from progressing. But me being the stubborn I’ll do it my way sort of person, I categorically refused to take the prescribed medication which in my view is nothing more than a masking drug. Most drugs are specifically designed to relieve a symptom fooling the brain into thinking it’s making you better and curing the problem, which it’s not. Anyway I digress, back to my situation, since 2004 after the initial diagnosis I have probably tried fifty or more different methods that I thought might help. Some have done nothing other than relieve me of money, and obviously when that’s happened it was not only frustrating but quite demoralising as well. I’m sure you can imagine that it would be  ridiculous, almost delusional to think that anything could possibly stop what the doctors perceive to be incurable. But guess what, I persevere, I keep trying and looking for a solution that I truly believe is there, why, knowing it’s painful, it’s demoralising…. why….. because I can.

Truth….

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Truth.

What is the truth when it comes to health, sadly in the world of disgusting profitability, or healthcare there is no such thing as truth. Sorry, is he alive or is he dead, then yes there is truth in that possibility, there’s no argument there, someone is alive or dead… fact. But when it comes to cures I believe that 99% of ordinary people believe that it is possible to naturally cure someone suffering from a disease or illness. In an internal memo issued by big Pharma in 2010 they stated categorically that healing or curing someone without using pharmaceutical drugs was an impossibility, they also went on to say that by 2020 the wanted every American, all 350 million of them to be taking at least one pharmaceutical drug. So truth…. in the world of allopathic medicine is that humans cannot be healed, truth to natural healers is that humans can be healed. So truth really depends on who you’re talking to, in other words what you and I perceive as truth is really just an opinion when it comes to profits. There have been and still are totally natural therapies created by doctors, scientists and even laymen that have and still do heal so called incurable diseases, but it’s not disgustingly profitable so the pharmaceutical companies aren’t interested. I’ve said this a hundred times before, big Pharma doesn’t make cures, they make customers.

What do you do..

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Imagine waking up one morning in a cold dark cave, you’re confused obviously so you wipe the sleep from your eyes and are pleased initially to realise that 30 ft from of you is a narrow opening leading out into the fresh air, seems great until you see that in front of the opening is a sleeping grizzly bear. Your immediate thoughts are that you are absolutely terrified but if you are really quiet you might be able to sneak past him and get out to freedom. You start to get up as quietly as possible but as you move just the tiniest bit there’s a loud cracking sound that disturbs the Grizzly so you freeze to avoid making anymore noise and waking him. As the light gradually seeps into the cave you can see that the floor is covered with peanuts, oh crap that was where the noise came from, now what are you going to do. Your friend appears at the entrance and is making gestures for you to stay where you are and don’t make a fuss or you’ll wake the bear. As your eyes become accustomed to the dark you can see that there’s a big stick just behind you, you lean back to grab the big stick but as you do lots of the peanut shells crack, your friend is waving frantically for you to stop.

Options…. One is to sit still and  not make any noise, you’ll probably last for a month but with no food, water or movement that would be horrible, it would be a terrible way to die. Option 2 is to grab the stick, make a rush for the opening and whack the bear. Option 3 is to see if you can prod him and try to encourage him to leave the cave. Well options one and two are no, no’s for me so I guess my only option is to poke the bear..

 

The difference…

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The difference.

I write most days, almost as if in defiance, strange…. yes,

I know that this thing in my body is like an army of bad guys that have sneaked into my special place, my body obviously which is unique to me, it’s mine and no one else’s but these shitbag’s have decided to come in, uninvited and take over. What was a solitary invader, silently slipped in behind enemy lines and slowly multiplied by adding more and more of his relatives until they’d become the majority and have a vote in what happens in what should be an alien community to them. Now my home where I grew up, where I should have authority has changed, now it’s me that’s the foreigner and have had most of my say in what happens taken away. Now I can shout at the governing authorities all I want, I can tell them how unfair it is,  that this is mine, they aren’t welcome and should do the right thing and leave but these invaders just laugh at me, shake their heads and say…. “tough. It’s ours now”.

I could just keep quiet and be subservient but that’s not going to happen contrary to what they want, even though the authorities that were once on my side have changed their allegiance, I’m referring to my immune system now, even though they have been persuaded to treat the foreign invaders as friendly, I will make a noise, I’ll protest and keep fighting. They might have taken over, they might have dominance but they haven’t won just yet. They won’t win because there’s a spark deep down inside me and no matter how powerful they become, no matter how dominant they are, there’s always going to be me standing proud, they can hurt me, batter me, frustrate me and no  matter how many times they knock me down I will ways get up again and that is the difference.

My mind….

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My mind.

As I’ve admitted before, in life we all get overwhelmed with things that are happening to us or around us, sometimes it all just seems too much to cope with. Normal everyday issues like “the kids, or work or relationships” tend to become problems too difficult to deal with. I can remember very clearly how that was for me many moons ago, those issues are long gone in my life, now the problems are different, they tend to be focussed on my health. Unlike the normal issues everyone else has to deal with, mine just don’t go away, they are eased temporarily but not cleared. The everyday existence of life is different but not necessarily any worse or harder to not just cope with but deal with, obviously I’m not having to sort out the  “the kids or work”, with me it’s “can I make it to the loo in time”  or ” oh crap I’ve fallen heavily and I’m struggling to get up off the floor”. Whatever….. My problems are my problems, I don’t want or expect anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me or anything, it is what it is, it’s a freaking disease that I have and you don’t, it’s just a fact. I could be depressed or unhappy but I’m not,  I just have to deal with it, and I do. How is that, firstly I don’t feel sorry for myself, I don’t dwell on the restrictions and limitations it puts on me and secondly and more importantly I absolutely believe 100% that this is a challenge and I really don’t like to be beaten so I’m not going to accept defeat, I’m going to do whatever….. whatever I can to find a way to overcome this hideous disease. My body is suffering but guess what….. I have something no one else in the world has, not one other person of the 7.5 billion on earth have, I have my Mind, so there!!!!!

 

Only human….

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Only human.

What a shock, I woke up this morning and actually felt good, ok not necessarily good but certainly not bad so that’s gotta be good isn’t it? I wrote yesterday’s post the previous night and as you probably guessed I didn’t feel good mentally. It’s a struggle no doubt in every moment, every breath but at the end of the day I’m not made of steel and I certainly can’t leap tall buildings. But what I can do is be me, Stefan the scouser that is a stubborn git and won’t accept the prognosis of “it’s an incurable disease so just give up”. I make statements in my head, telling myself that this will not beat me, the heat and humidity is not an issue to most people but sadly for me it’s a killer, ok not an actual killer but a serious debilitating factor. I accept it and do my best to compensate. I was annoyed at myself for  ignoring the warning signs, but hey…. I do my best and although I don’t like to use it as an excuse, I don’t wear my undies on the outside of my pants so guess what Stefan, you are only Human.

I’m hurting…

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I’m hurting.

I constantly tell myself I’m ok, my life is better now than it was in my last year in Colorado which was 2012, the last year there my illness was making my life so, so difficult. I’d lost my job and the unemployment benefits had ended, I’d used up what little savings I’d had so there was nothing left. Having multiple sclerosis but not able to get any medical help after being rejected by Memorial Medical Center put me at the lowest point in my life. I knew that it was only a matter of weeks that I’d lose my apartment and my truck and have no money to buy food or my essential supplements. I was extremely lucky that my wonderful mum and sister brought me back to England. I stayed with Suzie for five months and she helped get me sorted with a place to live and disability benefits, there is no doubt that I’m so lucky to have them both.

But I try every moment of every day to motivate and inspire myself, yes I have books to read, tv to watch, my computer, kindle and mobile phone to keep me busy, along with writing for my blog or my book. I don’t get bored, there’s too much to do. I have to occupy my mind, I have to keep busy because if I stop and just listen to music I think about what I had, where I lived, the beautiful friends I had. My house, my truck, I loved my Dodge Ram with a 5.7 litre hemi engine. I think of my life back then, my beautiful life and I miss being in Colorado so much, I miss being in the “Garden of the Gods”, sitting in one of the most beautiful, tranquil places I’ve ever been to, when I’m alone in the dark I’m not depressed but I feel so alone, distant and so isolated,  I don’t like to admit it but I’m hurting so much.