Special surprise..

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This is so weird, it really is, I constantly break out in uncontrollable laughter, I have tears in my eyes. Why ?…..I feel as though I’ve arranged a really extravagant surprise for someone really special to me. When this is done it’s normally arranged by several people and they are all keeping this special secret, you often see the others and try not to smile at each other or give the secret away.

The weird thing in this case is that this special surprise isn’t known by anyone else, it’s just me and the special thing is all about me..

I’m not going bonkers or senile, I know most people think I’m deluding myself but I really do know that the pain and frustration I’ve been going through for almost two decades…. that’s almost a lifetime to some youngsters. It almost feels like I’m Haley Joel Osment in Sixth Sense, y’know “I see things other people don’t see”,  I just know in my heart that this incredible surprise is about to happen, it’s not just going to be an improvement in my health, no everything is about to change, my health, wealth and everything emotionally and spiritually. I’m just not certain of the date it’s going to happen but I’ll try my hardest to feign surprise when the special surprise happens.

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I’m not old… am I ?

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I’m not old……am I ?

On Saturday I was chatting to Mel my weekend carer and she was telling me about her niece and how she loved reading and she loved rabbits so the obvious book to get her was “Watership Down”, right! Well she totally shocked me when she said that her niece had never heard of it…….. ok she’s only 9 yrs old, but… “Watership Down”.

Then I was thinking back to last week and watching “The Chase” which is the first program I watch during the day, a contestant was asked a question that I thought ridiculous, I mean how could anyone have not heard of “John Wayne”. Surely everyone, I mean everyone in the world knows of the iconic cowboy, then I recalled questions that I honestly considered absolutely ridiculous being asked about Rudolph Nureyev and Margot Fonteyn and Gene Kelly’s “Singing in the rain”. Questions I’d heard asked about “Agatha Christie” or “James Cagney” just amazed me. How could questions about “Ghostbusters” be asked as who was in the original version….Two weeks back I’d heard a question about who had made moonwalking famous while performing a song  and I nearly stopped watching the show thinking how pathetic that someone didn’t know of Michael Jackson or “The Beatles”. Then in a horrible shocking almost devastating moment I realised and internally accepted that it wasn’t because those contestants were numb or stupid, it’s just that they were under 30 yrs old and it’s me Stefan that’s not a youngster anymore and that actually I really am old, bummer!!!.

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Do you know me..

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Do you know me…

Over the many years I’ve been lucky enough to have been alive I think I’ve met and become friends, proper friends not just someone I’ve met,  probably a few thousand people. But most of those knew me during a phase of my life not all of it. Even family, my brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces have obviously known me for longer periods but not closely during some of the phases. I have changed in many ways as we all do simply ageing and growing into life and family. Looking at this I’m sure a large percentage don’t really know me, prior to moving to the USA I had been a very physically active man, always running the streets or riding my mountain bike or skydiving. I often visited friends and relatives in various parts of the country, it didn’t matter if they lived a couple of hours away, I just jumped in the car and went to see them. People might remember me as a humorous person, laughing and joking or someone always willing to help regardless of the time and effort required to do it. In the States I met a lot of people through my work, clients, patients, doctors, dentists and PhDs that knew me in a very different way. Since coming back to England I’m the relative or neighbour that’s sick with a disease and stays in his flat 24/7,  talks to one person each day, one five times each week and the other twice. But in my head I’m not the sick unspoken to relative or the physically active guy, I’ve been all of those people, the one that has travelled around the world, been physically active, helped thousands of people and loved doing it. Do you know me? I don’t think you do…

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Motivation….

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Motivation

I have no doubt in my mind that the obstacles facing me everyday are always challenging, just going about my day as basic as it is, is like running an obstacle course. Y’know my background as a kid in Liverpool, then the Army, competing in several physical contests over the years. Running the roads, weight training in the gym and lots of other physically testing experiences, in my mind have put me in a strong position to face the challenge I have now. It’s easy to feel like giving up but that testosterone driven male belief that I can jump tall buildings and am made of steel helps me. It’s weird but I’ve been watching an American show called Ultimate Beastmaster which is a Ninja Warrior type show except it’s 10 times harder and all the contestants look like the Ninja Warrior course would be a warm up. Well in my strange little brain, I am one of the competitors, ok yes, I’m 61 and sick, sort of but that’s where I get my motivation from, in my head, I’m there with them running the course.

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I will….

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I will.

I spend a lot of time everyday sitting quietly, in thought, in meditation, I imagine to some people it looks boring but I hope I don’t give the impression that I’m sad or unhappy about my situation because that’s completely the opposite of how I feel.

I feel so lucky, so blessed, obviously there are things in my life that aren’t perfect but in the main my life is great. I have all I need right now, my disability benefits enable me to do all that’s necessary for right now, I know, not just think or hope because that gives the impression that there’s an option, a possibility that things will not go as I say. In my heart, in my very soul I know that what I say will happen, will happen, having the total confidence that everything that’s not good will change for the better, it’s not difficult to have patience when you know, and I do.

I want to be healthy, I want to be wealthy, I want a loving relationship with a beautiful woman, I want a fantastic car, I want to go back to America, I want to visit some very special friends in Florida, in California, in Colorado and Nova Scotia and you know what?….I will.

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Feel it….

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Feel it.

Everyday I do roughly the same things, I know I have to drink the specific drinks I have that are crammed with nutrients and the correct organic vitamins specifically for my particular body chemistry. Apart from that my niece Debbie who is my carer comes about 11.30 to replace the drinks for tomorrow, I have experienced significant differences in my ability to function if for some reason I don’t do this, hydration is a major player with MS.

The major differences in my day, regardless of a weekday or weekend is the meditation I do, there are some that tend to be at similar times but others especially new ones that can be done when I learn of them. Anyway the changes I experience are mostly short lived although the fact that I’m still alive and kicking is testimony to the fact that what I’m doing and taking is working. Something I’m very aware of is that saying or repeating a specific mantra actually does nothing, the changes and improvements happen when I focus on what I’m saying and believe it, I honestly believe that the subconscious mind has all that’s required to fix anything that’s wrong in your own body. Obviously I’m not doing it perfectly right but I’m close, I know it, anything worth having is never easy to get, I’m learning all the time to focus, concentrate on the experience of allowing my mind and body to not just say it but to feel it.

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Autoimmune disease..

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I was saying yesterday that this is a very different world than the one I was born into, a large percentage of people nowadays are tuned into the electronic digital world, it seems that most people would rather go along with whatever is hammered into the conscious mind through endless advertising. The media, television, newspapers and the most dominant the internet is heavily influenced  by advertising. The world is controlled by money, so selling products is made so much easier by shoving it into the faces of everyone that uses an electronic device or watches TV. My point is that all crappy cheap to make and highly profitable things are advertised as good for you when in reality so many of the products are downright unhealthy. Things like sugar laden foods and drinks that are full of chemicals that fool your brain into wanting more even when you know it’s bad. Your skin is your biggest organ, obviously it keeps you together, wrapping all the bones, organs and blood together. But that’s only one of its many jobs, your body needs vitamin D, actually it’s not a vitamin but a hormone that’s produced by sunlight. The last thing, the very last thing you should do is smother it with sunblock. Yes it’s nice to be out in the sun but being in direct sunlight for for the twenty or thirty minutes isn’t good for you. Obviously the skin burns, hmmm hello, do you think that your own very intelligent body is telling you it’s not good. So people just smother the skin with sunblock that prevents the skin from absorbing the extremely usefully sunlight that your body converts into vitamin d.

I digress, sorry, the digital world and the powerful advertising companies are convincing people and making them believe that the only way to improve their health is by taking a drug that masks one of the symptoms that your body is using to inform you that what you are doing or consuming is bad for you. So the body that you live in that in reality is a million times more advanced than the thing that constantly chatters in your head, your conscious mind, is telling you that something is wrong but you ignore the message and blank it out. Instead of ignoring the advice and masking the symptom wouldn’t it be better to stop eating, drinking or doing the thing that is the cause of the problem. When the kitchen floor is flooded, turn the tap off and pull the plug out of the sink…..Duh.

There are companies that want nothing more than to make lots of money regardless of the harm or damage they cause in their quest. The constant advertising is slowly but surely brainwashing the masses and that includes so many of the doctors and dentists that took the Hippocratic Oath to “Do no harm”. So many practices that a hundred years ago where the staple of people to actually fix a health issue have been pushed aside and branded as “bunkum” or “old wives tales” and ignored. Natural things that stop or prevent problems are gradually being replaced by synthetic chemicals that mask the problem temporarily only for it to return with a vengeance requiring you to continue with another and more powerful drug. This weakens your own natural defences, your immune system becomes so bound up trying to cope with the unnatural synthetics that you yourself are putting into the body that YOU live in is weakened so much that you have to continue with the temporary respite and weakening you more and more. In reality this is an autoimmune disease, you are hurting yourself,  I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m ranting but what I’m saying is true and you, yes you are being conned and scammed out of the most valuable and important commodity…..your life.

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Different world…

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When I stop and think about it, the world we now live in is very different to the one I was born in, today almost anyone in the western world can just say hi to a friend, be it someone that lives in the next house, next street, next city, next country or around the world. Using their mobile phone that can hide in their back pocket, slightly different to the first mobile phone I was so proud to be using while walking the streets of Cambridge back in the 80’s. Mind you I’d developed a really strong left arm while carrying the battery pack as big as my briefcase and almost shouting into the handset as the signal was crap.

I think you’d need to be over 40 to truly appreciate the differences, it’s not the fault of the younger generation, I’m not moaning at or about them but as a kid I didn’t have a mobile phone or an X-Box to play with, I didn’t have a Tablet or Kindle with 100 apps to chose from, no the only thing I could play was OUTSIDE and avoid the occasional car.

Not a complaint just an observation, I still live in England but now it’s a very Different World.

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Ashamed…

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Ashamed.

Deep down I feel that there is something very special about me….. I know I have a so called incurable disease although I don’t acknowledge that title, it’s not freaking incurable to me, so there…. So I have MS and I tell myself constantly that it needs to try harder because I’m not staying on the canvas after being knocked down. But on Friday afternoon it just got to me, I’d felt good in the morning, well good for me anyway, then in the early afternoon and I don’t really understand why but I became much weaker and more unstable than earlier that day. My description of “much weaker” probably isn’t the right description to use because it was wayyyy worse than that.  I’d finished in the bathroom and started to got back in the living room but my left leg just wouldn’t move. I was gripping the door frame like I was trying to throttle it because the normal motion you naturally do when you start to walk as in your upper body starts to move in the natural action. Well when this happens but your leg doesn’t move it creates a top heavy situation and I very nearly mimicked an agile circus tumbler. It probably looked funny from the outside but in my head I was petrified, I could just see my leg breaking and my face smashing into a piece of unforgiving furniture.

Well it didn’t happen and for some reason unbeknownst to me I got through the day uninjured thankfully then returned to my normal wobbly self not the ” oh crap” self. I write most days and proclaim to be more determined and committed in my quest than the average, everyday, ho hum run of the mill” person but I momentarily gave up and in all honesty I’m ashamed of myself. That’s not going to ever happen again, MS….try your best but you ain’t going to beat me…and that’s a fact..

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One or the other..

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Whoa…

That was close, so close it actually scared me because for an hour, a whole hour I was actually depressed and allowed myself to indulge in negativity. The following article is what I wrote on Friday afternoon, I was so close to posting it and declaring to the world, ok a few thousand readers. Ok I’m human, just. I felt bad, I felt negative and stated in a very matter of fact way that I’d had enough.

It was a momentary slip (an hour) but it’s not overpowered me, I’m fine, I’m back, I’m still me that will not be beaten.

 

One or the other…

Seriously, stop playing with me, my emotions, my life, I’m here for a purpose well that’s what I’ve engrained into my mind. I’ve continuously told myself that there is a very important reason why I got sick. Initially I thought it was  because I’d been a selfish man, I honestly thought you were teaching me a lesson, y’know the you’ve been selfish so the karma thing is coming into play. Now if I’d been evil and done some terrible things then yes of course getting a hideous disease that quite frankly has ruined my life, this would be justifiable punishment, but in reality my selfishness was limited to cheating on my first wife. Does that warrant seventeen years so far of pain, frustration, humility and depression, no it doesn’t. I thought that me getting sick and the working at Huggins Applied Healing and being able to help others and show them by doing the right things and taking the right action to heal was my purpose. But that doesn’t appear to be the case.

So I’m looking at and directing this rant to you… God or the Universe or whichever is the overall governing body, make a freaking choice, stop farting around, I don’t deserve this crap, do one thing or the other, End it or Me…Do it……

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